Donald Trump & Union Leader’s Feud Retold as a Teenage High School Drama

"Like, oh my god Joe McQuaid totally pretended to be my friend and is now best friends with Chris Christie. I am so not inviting him to my next party."

Every few years the American people have the pleasure of watching a bunch of puppets in nice clothes try and convince us they will make everything in our country great again.

I covered a few New Hampshire Primaries as a news reporter and have noticed that campaigns on both sides have the maturity levels of 16-year-olds. Donald Trump and Union Leader Publisher Joseph McQuaid have gotten themselves into their own high school-level drama after the newspaper endorsed Chris Christie in November.

Now Donald Trump is using the national spotlight to diss the Union Leader, and the newspaper is using its pages to diss him right back.

Their latest drama happened over the weekend and has taken over political headlines on media outlets across the country. These publications see another spat between a public figure and the media, but I see two high school girls whose friendship is on the rocks. I wrote a screenplay to give you an idea of what I am talking about.

Granite High School: Trump and McQuaid

Written and directed by Robert Michaelson

[Teenage girl Donald Trump walks through the cafeteria and sits next to teenage girl Joe McQuaid as she continues to update her status on Facebook.]

Trump: O-M-G I am so happy I transferred to Granite High School and all the students are talking because I told the math teacher he was a loser. All the other girls hate me because they are jealous that all the boys are paying attention to me.

McQuaid: Trump I am so totally your friend and want you to meet all of my cool guy friends. I am having a party for the cool kids this weekend and you have to come because I am the most popular girl in school. By the way I LOVE your skirt.

Trump: Thanks McQuaid. I love your halter top. Love you.

McQuiad: I love you so much. Besties! Hey can you help me plan the school prom? I would really appreciate it. Also, can I borrow your top?

Trump: Sure thing babe. But you HAVE to make sure that I am in the running for prom queen. Selfie!

McQuiad: Selfie! Of course you are a candidate for prom queen because you are so hot. Just come to my party and we can talk all about it...

[THE NEXT WEEK]

Trump: Um, hey McQuaid

McQuaid: Um, hi Trump. Why didn’t come to my party? Everyone there was talking about how I was bringing you over and now I look like a total loser.

Trump: Whatever. I got fired from American Eagle that day and decided to Netflix and chill afterwards. I don’t really like these kinds of parties because everyone just talks about me behind my back. Plus, I have had to deal with all the haters on my Instagram account.

McQuaid: Well you can forget about becoming a candidate for prom queen! I have a friend named Christie and she is prettier than you anyway. Everyone knows your hair is so fake and you stuff your bra.

Trump: Oh yeah? Well I am going to tell everyone that you slept with the entire basketball team and that you have like a million STDs. Nobody even likes you anyway because you are too skinny and your Instagram posts only get like two likes.

McQuaid: Shut up! Everyone loves me and wants to be around me. They like all my posts!

Trump: As if. Abby Ceenews is having a party next weekend and I am going to make sure you are SO not invited! Nobody is going to want to hang out with you now!

McQuaid: Ugh whatever I don’t care! You will never be prom queen!

[Teenage girl Trump slaps teenage girl McQuaid and storms out of the room. McQuaid tweets about the fight on her Twitter with the hashtag #Trumpbitch.]