All These Wolf Spiders Trespassing in My Maine Home Are Pure Nightmare Fuel
I think it's time to start charging rent to the wolf spiders that have forced their way into my house. Wait, so does that mean I can charge them more because they have so many legs?
This all began a few weeks ago when I was lying in bed binging "9 Perfect Strangers" on Netflix thinking about mushrooms and from the corner of my eye I spotted a not-so-little black thing crawling down my window.
It was a wolf spider.
I screamed for my wife Nelly for support. In those moments you need a support person or a backup, just in case you "miss." But of course, she wasn't home.
I was all alone riddled with fear having a stand-off with the unwelcomed creature who I assumed was determined to crawl into my Netherlands and lay eggs. Not me, not today.
So I grabbed the closest thing I could, my copy of "Eat, Pray, Love." I was going to bring the hammer down but I noticed on my show that Nicole Kidman had just dosed Melissa McCarthy with a psychedelic mushroom, so I got distracted and when I looked back to the spider, it had jumped onto the bed.
At that point, I had to pause the show because Nicole Kidman commands respect on and off-screen, it's insulting to miss her.
I had never killed a wolf spider before that day and I was apprehensive. I felt like I was going to be on 20/20 with Chris Harrison narrating how I premeditated this killing with a book that was later produced into the legendary made-for-tv movie starring the majestic Julia Roberts.
This may sound climatic but at the moment it was tense as hell. It was him or me. So I did it. Afterward, feeling empty and regretful, I prayed for its spider soul and surrendered it to the porcelain throne.
Since then, I thought I was being directly targeted by each member of this spider's clan out of revenge. I was seeing single wolf spiders everywhere and thought they methodically infested each place I went. I was their end game.
However, I was wrong about it all. Wrong about the killing and wrong about the spider. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
According to Plant Care today, they do not purposely go after humans. As the cooler season comes they may find themselves sheltering in your home. They live solitary lives and actually make great pets.
They do not travel in packs like real wolves. But don't you think it'd be cool if they howled?
They get their name from the Greek genus, "Lycos" meaning, wolf, the Plant Care Today article stated. Do they know I'm Greek?
You may ask how to get rid of wolf spiders, but you shouldn't want to. They are not dangerous, and they are useful because they eat pests.
Besides wolf spiders, the most common spiders in Maine are the House Spider, Fisher Spider, and Jumping Spider. All of these spiders pose no danger to people, according to Maine.gov.
From now on, when you see a wolf spider leave it alone or grab a cup and do the "paper slide" to remove it from the house because if you can ignore their appearance, you will appreciate the beautiful advantages of these hideous but helpful little monsters.
Maybe after this article, I will actually read the "Eat, Pray, Love" self-help book instead of turning it into a murderous weapon. My apologies to Julia Roberts and all wolf spiders. I have learned my lesson.