To the Total Suckbag Runner in Maine Who Taunted My Dog
Listen old man.
I'm a dude that respects my elders. I'm also a dude that always tries to keep everything positive no matter what, hype everyone around me to keep them going, and not purposely cut anyone down. The world sucks enough without having people like that.
But we all have a line, and my line is my dog.
Because my dog is MY DUDE. We went through the tail end of my Tulsa, Oklahoma journey together. For emo reasons that I'll leave out of this story because it doesn't matter (plus who wants to read anything emo), that dog straight up saved my life.
I'm probably an annoying helicopter dog parent to him but whatever, I could be worse things. Which is why I'm calling you out for something you probably thought was funny in your head while you were running by my house on Saturday (which, honestly, props to you for still pounding the pavement like that because I don't do that now, let alone later in life like you are. So, good for you on that, but that's also the only compliment you're getting here.)
Before the weather turned to suck on Saturday, I was in the front yard doing some work with Remy tied to a tree right near me (which is ironic, now that I think about it, since I used to make fun of my parents for tying my toddler harness to a tree so I wouldn't wander off when I was a kid -- and here I was doing the same thing.)
What you don't know about Remy is that over the years, he's randomly ended up with some anxiety. While he loves humans, he goes on the defensive around other dogs. (Interestingly enough, he's totally chill around cats. But I digress.)
Every few minutes I'd take a break from the yard work to make sure he was good. Secure, not freaking out, living his best leashed-to-a-tree life. And he was. Even when a woman from another part of the neighborhood started jogging by him. His tail wagged, he started making his way over to her but the leash tightened, but he never lost excitement.
And, to her credit, seeing an excited dog near her path as she jogged closer and closer to us didn't phase her. You know what she did? She just smiled without breaking her stride. Even when he tried to jog next to her and was held back by the leash -- not one reaction to Remy.
Then, maybe 20 minutes later, you came. And you happened to come right when I was checking his leash and tightening it up a bit so he wouldn't end up having enough slack to reach the sidewalk or even worse, the road. But you couldn't just keep on jogging by like the woman before you did, could you?
No. Because as you started jogging by, you started barking like a dog at him. Taunting him. Enticing him. And not that Remy has ever shown a side that's even remotely close to vicious, but what the hell were you thinking? What was the purpose? So your ancient existence could feel like a comedian? You ain't Dr. Doolittle, bro.
What if I hadn't happened to be right with him when you ran by and did that? What if I was in another part of the yard, your barking put him on the defensive, and thinking he was protecting us, he got loose and went after you? Again, not that I've ever seen anything close to that from him, but you never know.
Then what, I have a lawsuit on my hands because it's 2023 and everyone sues for anything any chance they get (like Morgan Wallen getting sued for canceling a show), and maybe even have to put him down, all because you taunted him? Because you thought you were being funny?
Be smarter next time. You look like you've been around long enough to know better.
(And now that I'm at the end of this open letter, I feel like I just came off as the equivalent of a negatively stereotyped "crazy cat lady." Oh well, still hitting publish.)